![]() ![]() I got to where I was going, but I couldn't leave the parking lot I was still screaming. Something had happened (confirming that something I really wanted was not going to happen), I left my work's parking garage to go somewhere, and I just started screaming. I had something like that happen unwillingly back in January. Eyes tearing, nose snotting, voice cracking, just keep screaming until it feels like it's all out. and just start screaming!! Scream at the top of my lungs! Might be words, might be a profane prayer, might just be sounds, but screaming, screaming, screaming. Stand there, facing east, waiting for the sun. Drive up there early, before sunrise, say 4-5 am on a Saturday or Sunday. One thing I'm seriously thinking of doing is finding a nice tall hill/mountain around here (I live in the Phoenix AZ area), one that's not too near any houses (don't want to disturb anyone), and one that I can drive up to ('cause I'm a big fat-arse who binges on baked goods when understress). I wish I could just escape and run away without letting so many people down." My responsibility isn't as heavy, but sometimes, I just get So Sick of pretending to be normal, smiling at people, going through the motions, all the while inside having a kind of inner monologue that goes "I hate my life. Jack doesn't want responsibility, because his responsibility is a very heavy weight (which you find out about in the first 5 minutes or so of the film, in case you haven't watched it yet). This might sound crazy (ha ha, aren't we all crazy around here?), but part of me loves the idea of escaping into "a comfortable little coma". So don't lay there in your comfortable little coma and think I'm gonna risk all of that because I feel responsible for you? Watch the film (it's on Netflix), and watch for that scene, about 1h50 into the movie.Īnyhow, there's a little something Jack tells Parry, which really hit me: It's like a big monologue, or soliloquy, and it's just amazing. Near the end, there's a great scene, where Jack (Jeff Bridges) is talking to a catatonic Parry (Robin Williams) in the psych ward. After Robin Williams' passing, I watched again the excellent film The Fisher King. ![]() But it seems I have a more tenacious hold on reality than I'd like. I know some people who've been able to "let go" to the point of inpatient psychiatric treatment. I feel like I have to keep going, keep working (even though I'm about to lose my 6th straight job in 13 years), keep supporting my wife and kids, keep trying to be a "normal" person, at least on the outside. I wish I could figure out a way to let it out, to let the pressure off, without exploding. I have so much anger and pain and fear and shame and rage and frustration locked up inside myself, building and building for more than four decades. I couldn't even find it using a Google image search, so I recreated it. A simple generic shot of Hello Kitty's face, but surrounded by the title (and last line) of a 1967 Harlan Ellison short story that has got to be one of THE hardest-hitting and creepiest SF stories EVAR. I forget where and when I first saw that icon. ![]()
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